You:
Wake up at around 10AM, because you went out with “the girls” last night, and that glass of wine turned into a few more than that. All of this was bought on a credit card.
Wear enormous sunglasses, and text at every possible moment — not paying attention to me.
Display your obvious fashion sense by wearing a four inch belt around your abdomen that resembles Mr. T’s weight lifting belt. You think this makes your chest look bigger.
Have every kind of shoe imaginable, but seem to always wear the same ones — yet buy more every day.
Throw on your workout clothes to go to starbucks and get coffee, which you will do several times in one day, adding up to thousands of dollars over the year. This cost will never be questioned, as “I have to have coffee”
Go to the “gym” “everyday” and tell everyone about your “workout” that was so intense. You are losing weight. You’re getting hotter by the moment. I am excited for you.
Wear short shorts, I mean short. And have some type of ad message on the back of them, ie. pink, the college you went to, whatever — and you completely get freaked out when someone stares at your ass, because there is absolutely no reason for this behavior.
Have zero ability to cook. I mean zero. Like microwaving is tough. And when you go out, you only get a salad — and eat half. You will snack later, and not tell me. I will smile oblivious to this fact and wonder why you never seem hungry.
This is acceptable because your parents allowed you to go out to taco bell whenever as a child, and now as a result, you are a coffee drinking, workout clothes wearing, entitled, well dressed in large sunglasses and weight lifting belts, “well educated” 20 something female that thinks the world owes you a favor, and working 8 hours a day “really sucks” — you will buy a dog to have as a companion, and inconvenience everyone you know with it by asking if it’s ok for you and fluffy to come over. This dog is “cute” and you “love” it. Yet it sits in your apartment for most of the day wandering around, waiting for 10 years from now when it ges the opportunity to die. You will be sad, and buy another.
Me: Tall, fit, well educated, career minded — a builder of many things.
Get a hold of me. I can’t wait to hear about how nordstrom has a sale going on, and how your tiny dog snores at night and keeps you up. I’ll be so interested to talk with you about your day where you sat on facebook the entire time and posted “I can’t wait to get out of here” at 3PM because “work is so boring”. And when you tell me you went to the gym and had this great workout, I will happily smile and congratulate you going to an overpriced meat market to run on the treadmill for ten minutes, but not a moment longer — because you don’t want to “get muscles, that’s gross!” And when you tell me that “we should do something fun” yet stare at me with blank eyes, waiting for me to prepare your every move — I will be so happy to plan your day for you.
Better yet, when you finally make a decision and come up with the clever idea to go see a movie, you will wait for me to decide which one — even though you already have one in mind. I will state my choice, and your response will be “oh ok yeah sure whatever.” I will look at you questioning the validity to that statement, and you will quickly suggest your choice — and, out of desire to not have “another argument” I will concede and watch your lame movie.
Later, I will be thrilled to wait an hour while you get ready “to go out.” You will have so many elements in your outfit that sculpt your body, that you will hopefully look like someone else. Your makeup will cost hundreds, and take hours to prepare, yet your painted face will look worse than your natural face. That’s ok, I will be happy with this because you’re “so sweet”.
On my birthday, you will buy me a ridiculous gift and I will find a way to be in love with it. This will thrill you and make you think you did such a good job for my birthday. Later, when I buy you a ridiculously expensive gift out of desire to find some way to please you, you will again — using perfect body language, say “oh cool!”. This gift will go to the wayside and never get used, and I will remain confused about how you find pleasure in life.
Finally, after a few years of this “great relationship” (torture) I will be so confused about life, and where I fit in — and where all of my money has gone, and I will buy you a really expensive ring and give it to you, pledging my allegiance to our relationship. You will accept, and phase 2 of “our relationship” (torture) will begin. The wedding planning. You will go insane, get moody, and become worse than a pregnant woman. Everything will be perfect, and no cost is too expensive.
Later, I will curse myself for buying into this American novelty, and wish we’d just gone to the courthouse.
Time will go on. More of my money will disappear. I will find happiness in things like building a fence, you will find happiness in shopping “with the girls” because “you need space too”.
My dad’s recommendation that a woman’s ass only gets bigger will become true, and your gym sessions will continue, but seemingly be ineffective.
I will begin drinking red wine nightly.
Our 50’s will come, and those tattoos you got at 23 will look a little askew, and finally you will give up on that belly button piercing.
I will be old and broken, still confused, and still wondering where my cash has gone.
Our children will continue this cycle, and you will probably die first — leaving me alone with the dog. The small dog, version 9 by now.
I will fade slowly, our children will put me in a home because they have no conception of real work… and I will eventually die.
The kids will bicker over what fortune remains, and I will roll in my grave as they sell of my precious items and say “why did he even have this stuff.”
After all of this, and life’s cycle ending — I, for the last moment of my life, will wonder:
Should I have told you that you really are fat?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
But hey, get a hold of me — I’m waiting to have you ruin my, and the future of my family’s lives!
